Saturday, November 10, 2012

The 10 Worst/Best PETA Campaigns

Is it wrong to be grateful for an organization like PETA? I cannot say. What I can say is that without this organization's willingness to take their philosophy to such extremes, no one would believe that such absurdity were possible. However, thanks to their willingness to go completely off the rails, everyone can now observe first hand what happens when you worship the wrong things. From PETA's perspective, they are simply representing reality as they see it. For the rest of humanity they are (or at least should be) a mirror of what life would look like if everyone believed that animals were humans. In fact, in many ways, these modern day Manichees have reversed the order of dignity, perceiving man to be the great obstacle and enemy of an otherwise harmonious and utterly benevolent ecosystem. Like any heresy of thought, it is not one's regard for a certain idea that is problematic, but rather the exaggerated sense of importance that they place on it. For example, PETA worries about cows being exploited for their milk, but strangely they take no position on abortion. One might even ascertain from their behavior on these matters that they are down right antagonistic when it comes to human concerns. At any rate, below you will find a most spectacular list of examples of what transpires when you manage to liberate yourself from what animal rights group call "speciesism", and instead regard chicken, fish, and other tasty meated creatures (I'm getting hungry already) as the moral equivalent to human beings. The question is if the PETA people really believe that Auschwitz is going on everywhere (yes, that includes even your local KFC), then how do they even get out of bed in the morning? I will leave that to the PETA experts to explain, and instead consign myself to presenting what they themselves have presented to the public.

10. Caged Wisdom

It is no secret that PETA people like to get naked in order to make their point. I am not sure what point they are trying to make other than "Look at me! I'm naked and good looking, oh and also don't exploit and/or abuse animals." Of course, it is alright for humans to exploit themselves for such advertising, but please love animals because they are naked. On the other hand, maybe the nakedness is the result of these brave individuals standing in solidarity with their animal buddies who themselves are clearly naked (though some animals do wear fur, which I think should be prohibited in the animal kingdom). But whatever the reason, what this particular campaign seeks to do is to associate the people in the cage with the animals that find themselves in the same position. Quite often such individuals will paint their bodies in the pattern of a cheetah, or some such creature, and move about the cage behaving like one. I don't know what is more amusing- adults in a cage imitating wild animals, or the seriousness with which these souls perform their feral duties.

9. The PETA Coloring Book

Former "Clueless" star, Alicia Silverstone, is evidently so dedicated to the PETA cause, that she feeds her little baby boy, Bear Blu, like a mother bird feeds her nestling (I wonder why she doesn't just feed him like a bear, but I digress), masticating the food, and then placing it in the mouth of her child; "He literally crawls across the room to attack my mouth if I'm eating." It is one thing to proselytize to adults about the evils of a carnivorous diet, but when such propaganda is geared towards children, it just really gets weird. The above picture is taken from a PETA coloring book which is of course targeted to little children. Nothing like a coloring book in which you ask children to skillfully color an elephant that is at the present moment receiving shock treatments from his trainer (though based on the above photo, they both look as if they are receiving it). I'm not saying that I approve of the methods that circus' use in order to train their animals, but neither do I approve of children weeping as they attempt to color various pictures that depict animals being tortured. This tells you just how serious this group is about their cause, for who else would seek to expose children to such brutality unless they had first consumed every last drop of that infamous Kool-Aid. Imagine asking children to color a picture of one boy "tazing" another as a means to raise awareness about the cruelty of bullies. I fear that they might enjoy it just a little too much.


8. Clofu

In another lame attempt to "sexify" the idea of vegetarianism, PETA declared that they would take samples of George Clooney's perspiration (au de Clooney) and use it to make a magnificent batch of Tofu. I'm no expert on the making of Tofu, but I never would have suspected that the secret ingredient was human sweat. I guess vegans are willing to try just about anything in order to make something so bland and flavorless (as Tofu clearly is) the slightest bit more palatable. At any rate, it doesn't say much for Tofu that it must be marinated in sweat in order to give it appeal, even if that sweat does belong to the great George Clooney.  

7. Got Autism?

One of the things that makes PETA so great is their complete disregard for any form of good taste. However, you certainly cannot accuse them of inconsistency, for they carry their animal logic about as far as one can possibly carry it (though they seem strangely aloof to the animal known as "human"). But if you thought that they were only focused on the killing and/or torturing of animals, you would be wrong. PETA also concerns itself with the exploitive practice of stealing milk from cows (which is to PETA the equivalent of stealing candy from a baby). Whereas most people would regard this as an ethical use of animals, PETA views this as a violation of their hanimal rights. But it is not enough for them to simply reject this "unethical" practice, rather they have to offend everyone else in the process. I am not precisely sure which studies show that the consumption of cow's milk causes autism, but my guess is that such insignificant details matter very little to the PETA people. The only thing that matters is convincing/scaring people into thinking that if they break one of these taboos they will be cursed with some terrible disease. Not since the religious pamphleteer Jack Chick, have I seen such divine bombast directed towards potential converts. But the milk campaign does not simply end here, for PETA has also targeted the famous Ben and Jerry's and encouraged them to permanently swear off cow's milk. What do they recommend as a replacement? Human breast milk.

6. Sea Kittens and Fish Memorials       

When it comes to fish, the people from PETA are no less passionate. Recently in California there was a truck carrying a large quantity of fish that got into a three car collision. Were the drivers OK? Who cares! From PETA's perspective, it is not sufficient to simply lament the death of these poor little fishies. No, one must also demand that government officials put up a sign memorializing the date on which these innocent fish were brutally slaughtered. As part of a similar campaign to protect fish, they have also sought to draw an equivalency between kittens and fish sticks. Unlike the above photo which utilizes the grotesque to make its point, these so called "sea kittens" look like something out of Finding Nemo. With an image such as this they may not be seeking to change the hearts of the dedicated fish slaughterers, but they do hope to persuade people that have never thought about how eating a grouper was like chomping on a batch of little kittens. I suppose I do find it a little ironic that they are trying to prevent us humans from eating fish, but in the mean time equating those fish with an animal that would love nothing more than to get his paws on one.


5. PETA and Jeffrey Dahmer

It speaks for itself.

4. KFC and Crippled Babies in a Bucket

Just to let you know how serious they are about protecting chickens, PETA recently brought their traveling band of lunatics to a Trappist monastery. Why? Because the monastery was supporting themselves, at least in part, by the production of fresh eggs. This was unacceptable to PETA, and seeing an easy target they brought their noisy parade to Mepkin Abbey. Seeking to preserve their silence, the monks understandably succumbed to the wishes of this human scream machine. Therefore, we should not be shocked to discover a rift between PETA and that dear old man named The Colonel. Indeed, according to PETA, not only is this man a remorseless redneck chicken murderer, but he apparently even puts crippled baby chickens in those magnificent buckets. I have never personally had that particular combo, but I suppose it could be on the menu. Once again, the great irony here is that if The Colonel put real crippled babies in a bucket and fed them to people, PETA would have very little to say about it (in fact they might regard it as good for the environment), but when it comes to those crunchy little crippled baby chickies, it is an abomination beyond all others. You may think this an exaggeration, but don't. This week I received a special e-mail from PETA (their spies must have noticed that I have been searching for information on them) granting me the opportunity to help the victims of Hurricane Sandy. Mind you, not the human victims who are still suffering beyond measure, but rather only the animals who have been displaced or abandoned. PETA is in truth a satire killer. They have stolen about every single joke that I could possibly make simply because they have already made them.

3. Chickens and Jews

This particular campaign is also about chickens, but I felt it deserved a category all its own. A riddle: what is more offensive, suggesting that chickens are equivalent to Jews, or that Jews are equivalent to chickens? The answer is yes. Such a correlation should prove to everyone once and for all that PETA really doesn't care who they offend. They may care about "what" they offend because to them what is who and who is what. To put it in perspective (which is the opposite of what is being presented above), there is obviously room to be appalled by some of the conditions and/or treatment that chickens receive. For example, it is not wrong for anyone to suggest, as PETA did with the Jeffrey Dahmer campaign, that one who takes pleasure in torturing animals as a child is not likely to be much of a humanitarian. Where they go off the rails is when they ascribe human rights to animals who themselves have no desire or capacity to adhere to those very same principles. Thus, even as PETA disregards human concerns, they admit the dominion (or if you like, stewardship) of humanity by reifying animals with concepts that would not exist were it not for humans. What we have here in this particular campaign is a sanity test. Admittedly, it is a low bar to pass, but it is simply this: if you look at the above image with a sense of horror, shock, and dismay, or at least with a sense of laughter at the absurd nature of it, you still have some marbles left. On the other hand, if you look at the image and nod in solemn agreement, then I don't have to tell you just how far you are from a full box of crayons.            


2. The KKK and Dog Shows

I'll give PETA this much- they are not in the traditional sense, "politically correct". Whereas most extremist will go out of their way only to offend certain groups- while skillfully avoiding others- this cannot be said of PETA. They really have no regard for any humans whatsoever (except themselves). So when it comes to comparing racism to what goes on at a dog show, why should it matter that they have single-handedly managed to trivialize the historical experience of blacks (I wonder if they have ever considered a similar campaign in order to rail against those who dare to ride horses)? Yet this is more than racially insensitive, but rather racism in the truest sense. After all, are they not equating the black man with a dog? Indeed, not even our president is safe from the ever watchful eye of PETA, for during an interview a few years back, he dared to swat a fly while appearing to take pleasure it. Consequently, PETA immediately rebuked him and expressed their dismay that he could not have found an alternative to this blatant form of insecticide. All the same, I think it would be inaccurate to call them racist in their behavior, for their bigotry seems to reach across all races and cultures. I would prefer describe them as egalitarian in their misanthropy.

1. The Unhappy Meal

I'm not sure exactly why this is my favorite PETA moment, other than the fact that I think it represents in the most basic sense what a kill-joy PETA is. I mean, is there any pleasure in life that is safe from this organization. What about that cruel creature we call the Easter Bunny, who goes about stealing eggs from innocent chickens and then winds up selling them to greedy children who paint them with blood red dye? Or what about SANTA CLAWS, that wicked fat man who has clearly gorged himself on various seasonal meats, not to mention all of that virgin cow milk he has put down his gullet over the years? And of course, how could we possibly forget that wicked clown that everyone recognizes as Ronald McDonald? As for myself, I am not much of a clown man; nevertheless, it is not so much the clown that they are interested in as those glorious "happy meals" which children of all ages clamor for (I think it's the toy inside that makes it so magical). Oh PETA, can we have nothing sacred except cows? Must every childhood pleasure be subjected to the McCruelty test? Thank you PETA! Because of  you the last vestiges of my childhood innocence are officially gone. Mission accomplished.

A few bonus photos for your viewing pleasure:

This ad was in response to a story about a Florida man losing his leg to a shark while fishing. Seems like a reasonable response, doesn't it?  



  1. The last photo brings up an important point. Perhaps we should start eating dogs too?

  2. good stuff, I think I'll order from steakout tonight!

  3. your child innocence is a lie written by billion dollar companies

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