Saturday, September 13, 2014

50 Pun-Related Church Signs That Will Make You Cringe… And Then Groan Audibly

I feel the same about church sign as I do about bumper stickers. I hate them… or maybe I love them. It's so difficult to tell the difference sometimes. In any case, one thing is certain: I love to read these signs. And this can be a dangerous thing, for much like the adolescent inclination to text while driving, I also sometimes put more emphasis on my desire to read the sign than I do focusing on what's in front of me. I recognize that this is a problem, and I am currently addressing it.  

In all seriousness though, I think the thing that makes me love these signs so much is precisely the reason I despise them. They are often clever attempts, via the shameless use of puns, to reduce some important aspect of the faith (or the entire faith) to an aphorism. And even while they succeed on some level in transmitting their message, the faith naturally becomes much easier to dismiss. Why? Because when you attempt to draw people by making them laugh, you may just as easily provoke them to "laugh it off" instead. Below you will find fifty "cringe-worthy" examples of this kind of church sign theology, messages that while memorable, are probably the last kind of thing that would actually draw people into a deeper and more abiding relationship with Jesus Christ.        

1. I have to be honest, I'm not a huge fan of dental humor. Do you think that makes me an anti-Dentite?

2. So what you're telling me is that I don't have to pray the other six days?

3. Yes, the thought of soiled diapers, and the idea of changing them, makes me feel all mystical inside.

4. …because Facebook friendship is the perfect analogy for divine love

5. I'm still not sure how this solves the problem of the sweltering heat.

6. My "efil" is just fine, thank you! It's everything else that seems out of kilter...

7. Wasn't Yoda the first to say this?

8. So what you're telling me is that the devil is like the sun, and that the Son is like a bottle of Copper-tone?

9. Finally, a cogent defense of the "missionary position"!

10. Just give me the free trip, save the details...

11. How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced (drum roll)? A buck an ear!

12. Good, because I really don't want to have to have a "face to face" right now...

13. I know it's not really a pun… but it should be.

14. When it comes to encouraging church attendance, few tactics are more effective than those involving malodorous smells

15. How bad does your English (or your southern accent) have to be for this joke to work?

16. OK, I get the simile, but what's the point?

17. First they want me to cut off my foot, then they want me to pluck out an eye, and now they're asking me to remove a vital organ? This whole Gospel thing is getting a little too macabre for me

18. Confucius say...

19. No shizzle?

20. Woah… Did you know that if you play this message backwards it makes the devil sound generous; "The devil's treat is no trick". Goosebumps!

21. Does exposure to "souler energy" result in a phenomena called "soul glow"?

22. Actually, I kind of like this one

23. Unless this church is the Church of Satan, I find it strange that this positive injunction begins with a warning...

24. Did I miss something here? Isn't "Potter" supposed to be Harry's last name, rather than his occupation? Those darn Biblical literalists... always taking things so figuratively!

25. …because thinking of myself as paper, plastic, or some other re-usable material always reminds me of my inherent worth

26. You scream, I scream, we all scream for church???

27. Tortured church sign logic: Coke is the "real thing". Jesus Christ is like Coke (which I suppose proves that he is the real thing). Therefore, come to church so that you can worship Coke and/or Jesus Christ (whichever you prefer)… because apparently these two things are practically the same.

28. Proof of hell: Simply deny the existence of Satan like the Unitarians do, and behold the kind of humor that results.

29. OK, so I threw in a synagogue!

30. Calvin Broadus -------> Snoop Dogg ----------> Snoop Lion ---------> Snoop Evangelical? 

31. Because cheap beer and the blood of Christ really do have a lot in common??? 

32. Definitely the Latin Mass crowd

33. For those who claim that puns are the lowest form of humor, this may be the best argument...

34.  My own personal math: 1 Cross + 3 Nails - 5 for Fighting = 4 Given 

35. A popular meme, within a church sign, within an embarrassing attempt to be relevant… Erfal!       

36. Pat, I think I would like to solve this puzzle...

37. Oh no, I hope heaven is nothing like MySpace, for if it is, then there's probably no one there...

38. (how the sign should finish) …with sex, music, dancin', and all that other devilly stuff 

39. Uh, I think that's part of the problem already...

40. Does that mean then that toast is like the Anti-Bread?

41. Thus spake the rapper Chamillionaire... 

42. Did God divorce my mother?

43. So does that mean that Satan is a slide ruler?

44. Yeah, but only if I move there! Duh.

45. I'm sorry I have real trust issues with meteorologists

46. Okay kay. 

47. Stop worrying so much about my "wrinkly burdens", and get thee to a speech therapist 

48.  A sign guaranteed to bring people to church for all the right reasons...

49. A billboard absolutely reeking of desperation. So tell me, where do I sign up?

50. Wait a second Lutheran church, since when did you start promoting works' righteousness?

Bonus Sign:

51. Now that's a stinging critique. How about this one? The opportunity to have a "fourth marriage" would be largely inconceivable without the help of King Henry VIII. Thank you Episcopal Church.


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  3. 42, 50, and 51 had me in fits. Well done!

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